So, we know why we run away from those that wish to kill us. Namely, most of them want to rip out our spleen and wrench out the blood for their sausages which they made out of our intestines for their upcoming barbecue. There’s another reason we’re not quite prepared to swallow; we’re afraid of a real and lasting social connection between us and the homicidally-inclined. Come on, its okay to admit it; a swinging axe in your face from a mutant baby with a loincloth made of human skin isn’t exactly the best way to greet and exchange business cards. Coincidentally, for those who are interested, those babies are some of the best butchers and leather-workers in the state of Tennessee.
This has to be time to stop and realize our mistake as well as theirs. We have a chance for good communication between the tormentors and the tormented. No more do we have to deal with our differences as people and monsters in human form but as fair and well-mannered persons who can be civil and deal with one another with words, not acid blood. To get the ball rolling, I’ll be your wingman and introduce you to four such promising individuals with destruction and death as part of the growing resume. They don’t bite….at least, not normally.
Big Daddies (Bioshock)
The lumbering guardians of the underwater marvel of Rapture, protecting their charges with great fury and otherwise uninterested stance. What most of the citizens don’t realize is that they’re around people all the time. They have to lumber through the glen and vale of this marvel, and listen to the people rant and rave about food and pheremones and ADAM everyday. They’re bored and need more stimulation. After all, they were once human and had needs.
Thankfully, Delta was one of the more well-known ‘social’ creatures who stood outside the realm of his brethren and dealt with humans and his own kind. While it certainly didn’t improve their society from the depravity required to build hulking monstrosities out of human beings, Delta did prove that such a communication was possible, even without facial or verbal cues. Instead, the guttural screams of the Delta and its whirring drill got across much in terms of the inflection and presence of a very angry father watching his immortal little girl with a needle in her hand. After a number of observations, Delta and their kind are prone to long walks through the hallways and a tranquil swim tromp through the ocean depths. If you found a way to relieve several thousand tons of pressure, I’m sure the monstrosity would be rather impressed.
Pyramid Head (Silent Hill)
Everyone’s favorite geometrically shaped and lopsided mauler stems from a desire towards wrath and furious anger, so one has to wonder what brought him there. There are many considerations, but living in a town like Silent Hill brings a number of examples to mind considering the rural magnet it is for the awkward and mal-contented visitors. So it shouldn’t surprise anyone that the rusty cleaver he carries is a collector’s item-one of the original designs for a buster sword used in Final Fantasy 7. He’s very proud of it even for the shape its in.
Prospective greeters are advised to avoid any mention of his dirty head or the lack of clothing. Such things are a sore issue; a recent turn of bad luck with the economy hasn’t allowed for the few luxuries of hygiene or a drive to Bloomingdales. The point is also moot when you can’t really fit a dress shirt over what accounts for the longest nose ever known to man. My advice would be to provide pants to the wayward shambler.
Shearsman (Clock Tower)
A dwarf and resident gardener in the employ of a cult, the Shearsman decides it is the best idea to hang about and make very close crewcuts for these modern ladies. Hired by Mrs.Barrows for preparing her guests into her beliefs, what better way is there then by summoning Bobby to handle the topiary and hedge maze? Also, the eldritch abomination will also need a nice foot trim before taking over the world, and all.
Possibly the most repulsive member of our little cast, that fact becomes readily apparent when he has a face to relate to and for the rest of the world to scorn. Even the Phantom had one good side of his face, but poor Bobby is a fair shade of green. I honestly can say that when a human being looks past the expiration date, you’re gonna need the cast of What Not To Wear to make a dent. Honestly, my peeps, I would place the blame on the dwarf.
Lady Mamiya (Sweet Home)
Matriarch of the Mamiya household, this vengeful ghost has the grace and eloquence of a poet crossed with a megaphone with just the right cadence to rip apart atoms of tissue with a single screech. She’s well-known for her social gathering at the mansion for art appreciation and wine tasting with your resident undead server puking blood. Care for a yacht outing? The residence has its own large lake and underwater system made for just the occasion.
And it’s not like she’s your average socialite and vengeful ghost all in one; she keeps an entourage of doppelgängers, serial murderers, and living pieces of armor to keep her company. Mostly she tells jokes about her late husband and how his paintings all looked the same. My advice is very simple for her; you can talk about anything except children. That’s a bit of a sore subject, not gonna lie.